I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
