it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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