why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
