Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
