Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
