If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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