Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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