the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
