No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Randomize
