So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
