I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Randomize
