I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
