i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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