every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
