I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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