youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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