bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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