Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
