I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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