i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
