I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
