i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
