i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
