I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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