Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i believe in u and ur pee
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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