Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
