I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
