im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
