i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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