i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
