I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
