Got a toothbrush?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
