My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
