I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
