He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
