he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
