I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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