You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?