You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
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My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.