i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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