When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
