Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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