I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
