Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
