Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
