I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You smell like stripper and shame
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
