I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
