Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
