that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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