The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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