Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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