so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So gin and wine won't be happening again
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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