i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
