My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
