I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
