I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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