its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
