I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
