My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
