just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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