i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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