Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
