party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
